Romance in the Raw

I had no idea that THIS would be the video I posted on Valentines Day. However, perhaps there are people today thinking about their relationships and love life and are feeling a bit depleted.

Many of you have noticed I have not posted a video or blog in some time and have expressed concern and wanted to know what I have been up to. First of all, I would like to thank you for coming to my blog and taking an interest in me and my video or blog posts. My blog started as an online journal for myself, then evolved into a way I can share my perspective, thoughts, and inspiration. Thank you for being a part of that.

My Online Absence
Although I absolutely love and adore the Internet and all the wonderful people I have connected with, I found that gradually I was spending more time online and less time being present in my physical environment and the relationships right in front of me. I enjoyed all the feedback on Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, and here on my blog. I felt like I needed to respond to everyone and I just couldn’t keep up with all that and manage my physical life. I became very behind in corresponding to comments, emails, messages, and questions. The more behind I became the more of a burden my online presence became for me. It shifted from fun and exciting to an obligation. Needless to say, this is hardly an “inspired” state.

An Internal Struggle
In addition to taking a break from blogging, I had to take a break from romance and dating. I had the pleasure of dating men however, it seemed things moved faster and more intense than I was wanting so instead of slowing things down I went MIA. I struggle with the idea of romance and where that fits in my life. I had to do some soul searching and really figure things out before I stepped back out in the social world.

Health
This is an area that directly relates to my internal state. In the beginning of the year I was clocking in about 60 hours of exercise a month & eating very high raw. However, when I freaked out and went MIA with dating I dropped down to a very minimal amount of exercise and kept eating the same amount if not MORE food. NOT A GOOD IDEA! Weight crept back on and I felt ashamed of myself. However I felt I was justified going MIA because I was beginning to look bloated and feeling uncomfortable being social. However, we are far more transparent than we think we are and situations like this just show me that I was experiencing an internal struggle. I have found through food a way to dampen the rawness of emotions I was experiencing.

Romance
I love romance and I am a sucker for a beautiful love story. However, when it comes my way I really haven’t mastered that aspect of my life. It seems when I crave romance the options and opportunities flow into my life, yet when it becomes so serious so quick I tend to get cold feet and back off. I have a few ideas that could be the source:

Overall, I am content being single. I no longer have the idea that I have to be married or be in a romantic relationship to be complete. However at times I do crave the experience(or it could be hormones). I just want it to happen more slowly and balanced rather than a big surge that happens too fast. I don’t feel a need to hurry or put a label on it, and when I date someone who seems to come on quick I tend to run and hide. To me it appeared a bit desperate and co-dependant….which is what I used to be and I am afraid of being that again.

With that in mind, I came to the conclusion that I was being given the opportunity to see if I had overcome some of my past relationship bad habits. I used to be the girl that fell head over heels fast. I overly romanticized the person and the experience and lived in a fantasy in my head. I wasn’t present and had expectations.

Another factor that presented itself was how it affected my relationship with my kids. When I was a teen and my newly divorced parents started dating I felt like I was second rate, competing for their affection and time. From my view, my parents were more interested in romance than being a parent. I had some resentments and I lashed out towards my parents and their romantic interests. I felt my teen years went from being “normal” to being a stay at home mom for my younger brothers while I saw my parents out dating. I carry that memory today. Perhaps I am hyper-sensitive to my children and would never want them to feel like I preferred the company of a man over theirs. At the same time, I realize that this may just be my own limiting belief that romance would pull me away from my kids. I just never wanted my kids to feel second rate. In conversations with my kids, they have expressed that they are happy with the idea of me dating and would enjoy meeting the people I bring into my life. It just seemed to be a fear that I would get too wrapped up in my romance that I compromised my relationship with my kids as well as other aspects of my life.

Family Life
With all that in mind I went off the dating scene and started spending more time with my children (which inspired my blog in May “10 Wise Lessons for my Children”). Being a mother is a priority and a pleasure and I know my time with them is precious. They are growing up so fast. I want to make the most of it. So, we went camping in Yosemite and Idyllwild. We have been spending so much time outdoors, at the beach, hiking, biking, swimming and playing.

Alex is training for football, which I think is NUTS, because of his frame and body type. I really feel his strengths are with speed and agility. However, I must step aside and let my son make decisions for himself. We both feel that this may very well be his last opportunity to play this sport on a team. We plan to make the most of it and perhaps move on to soccer or baseball when the season ends.

At the same time, Mehgan is in cheer leading. It makes life so much easier having practices and games at the same location and time as football. Although Meg prefers to be in independent activities I encouraged her to give this sport a shot. This also plays up her gymnastics background as well as learning to work on a team. I felt it was a nice transition while building new friendships since many of her friends moved this summer. Meg also had the opportunity to model for Anchor Blue in a Back to School Fashion Show at a local mall. She loved it and it’s right up her alley since she says she wants to create her own fashion line and model it herself one day.

School Changes
I also made the decision with my kids that this was the last year of homeschooling for us. My son is starting high school and the kids were expressing a desire to do something different. Alex and Mehgan are now enrolled to attend a charter school and we all look forward to the new experience. I am so thankful that I took the past 3 years with my kids and home schooled them. I really felt the experience allowed us to grow together in a common direction. Our bond is so close and I will forever cherish the memories we had. My family life wouldn’t be what it is today if we didn’t take that time.

Garden
I didn’t put alot of effort into gardening or any home improvements. However, scattered seeds sprouted up on their own and I have been enjoying the ease of letting the plants do their thing rather than babying them. I also just became curious and would stick things in the ground just to see how they grew for example a sprouting potato or onion. I have been more of an observer of plant cycles than anything else. I do love gardens, but if I continue with growing an edible landscape I seriously need a landscape designer that could help me make it look more aesthetic.

Career
Obviously, once the kids start school that opens up time for me to recommit to an online presence and contribute more to the community. I enjoy sharing my journey. I enjoy having a voice. I enjoy feeling inspired and on purpose.

In Conclusion
Overall, I feel I have been looking to balance my life. I went up and I went down and now I am leveling out. I may have over compensated in some ways, but I really am just relaxing with where I am now and I am making sure I get a little taste of everything rather than bingeing on one thing. I am happy to say I feel that I am getting back on track.

See More Related Posts on Conscious Relationships

Q:
I am getting into raw eating as a lifestyle, however my boyfriend and maybe soon to? be fiance eats nothing but processed food, meat, fast-food. He wants nothing to do with my healthy eating because he is not willing to give up his favorite foods. He is a kind christian man that I adore very much, but could this be a deal breaker down the road? You would think he ate healthy since he is very good looking and in shape, but his hygiene is a different story! I just am scared about getting married and having our views on nutrition completely opposite. What do you think? Thanks, love your videos..just found you today. 🙂

A:
Thanks for reaching out. Congrats on going raw. You have some valid questions about your BF, but there are two things I’d like to mention. First, is to be the person you want to be, eat how you know you should & want to. You are the shining example. As you own it others will be inspired by you. Second, love people as they are not how you think they will be someday. Keep remembering WHY you are with him and all the things you love & the relationship will flourish. The moment you find lack is when things go wrong. Let people remove themselves from you. You don’t need to end the relationship, he will leave if he doesn’t resonate with who you are. That’s a good thing too, because the real people who love you will stay and embrace your growth, it won’t threaten them or the relationship.

Over the weekend I spent alot of time with family. I have two sisters Amanda who is 5 years older than me and April who is 12 years younger than me. We had our girly chats and got to talking about dating.

Watching my older sister (who is also a single mom) get calls from her “potential” guy had me thinking about my romantic life. Or perhaps the lack thereof. I don’t know what is up with me. Most of the time I don’t even think about it. Now, I know I put out a couple of videos about dating as a single mother, but I just haven’t felt driven to date since the last 2 videos.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I too comfortable? Am I too independent? Am I just in a rut? Why isn’t romance really on my brain? Have I waited too long and lost the memories of what it feels like to be in love? Am I going to be single forever? Do I have a vision of a romantic partner?

My sister was asking me why I didn’t date. I replied that I felt good focusing on my kids and raising them. I also expressed that I really wanted to create and generate multiple streams of passive income and have a wonderful financial system in place. Besides that, I do have some insecurities with my body. I know it is ridiculous, but it is something that I allow to keep me from saying yes to a date.

So, now I am at a point. Should I just keep doing my thing and work on my business and kids and leave dating out until I am more established? I really don’t crave romance, or at least as much as I see others going for it. I feel like it is there whenever I want it, but do I feel worthy of it? Do I feel complete as I am? Or maybe I just haven’t met the right guy? I dunno, but I definitely see a lack of romantic drive. Of course, every now and then it sounds good, but those thoughts are not predominant.

My sister seems to think that at this rate I’ll be single forever. I don’t like the sound of that. I am not sure if that is just social conditioning that makes me think there is something wrong with staying single or if it is a true deep down yearning for companionship.

I don’t feel lonely. In fact I feel quite satisfied, but watching others go nuts over romance has me wondering if I am out of the loop. I am not yearning for connection. I feel like I enjoy lots of intimate and satisfying relationships.

What is my deal? Will the craving arise after my kids are grown, I rock my bikini body and I have a very secure financial life? Am I afraid and finding excuses to hide behind? Or have I just come to feel secure in who I am and the relationships that I have already that I feel complete? Or have I not fully accepted myself and until I do that no one will walk into my world?

Hmmm…… so I am at the point….to date or not to date? Why do I bounce between the both of them? Maybe nothing will happen until I make up my mind.

Just sharing some random thoughts. Share yours if you feel inclined. 🙂

My Top 10 Favorable Traits
1. Aware, spiritually connected, leads by his own intuition (internal guidance)
2. Self love, self respect, and a good sense of self
3. Healthy
4. Active/ Athletic/ High energy
5. Passionate entrepreneur connected to his purpose
6. Great sense of humor, laughs w/ life
7. Honest, open, compassionate communicator
8. Attractive
9. Optimistic & proactive
10. Humble & grateful

My Top 10 Least Desirable Traits
1. Religious, condemning, self righteous (it is quite possible to be religious and never experience spirituality, and it is quite possible to be spiritual and never experience religion.)
2. Unhealthy- smoker, drinker, junk food eater, & sedentary
3. A follower- no sense of self
4. Pessimistic, reactive
5. Dishonest, liar, poor communicator
6. “9-5” clocks in and out of an unfulfilling job
7. Unattractive
8. Easily offended/ victim mentality
9. Inactive, low energy, sleeps excessively
10. Boastful, proud, arrogant