I just finished reading chapter three of “Educated” to my daughter, Mehgan. This story is sounding incredibly familiar. The author is talking about her father worried about the feds and it is sounding like my brother, who is currently in jail after committing multiple crimes. Prior to his arrest, he was diagnosed with bipolar illness and in a state of psychosis.
This has me in a deeply reflective state. I’ve been thinking about how my mother was diagnosed bipolar and had nervous breakdowns. Two other brothers have suffered as well. Now a third brother. I’m starting to wonder about myself. Am I mentally ill? Am I bipolar? I don’t even know what bipolar actually is. It’s time to research.
Bipolar disorder is characterized by periods of intense energy and elation (mania) that may or may not be followed by severe depression. Bouts of sadness and hopelessness can become intense. It can feel as if you’re drowning in despair one moment, and then later on, you’re optimistic and full of energy. Hmm… it kinda sounds familiar, but kinda not.
Keep researching Lori.
There are eight symptoms in total. Four manic and four depressive.
Four Symptoms of a Bipolar Manic Episode
An increase in energy. I feel more awake and energized at certain times. I often wake up feeling an adrenaline rush and have to do meditation or gratitude or reading to calm me down so that I can focus.
Decreased need or desire for sleep. I’ve had this happen when I fast. Maybe I shouldn’t be fasting. Good thing I modified the fast that I am on.
Impulsive behavior. Does this mean spontaneous behavior? I’m confused. I’m not a reckless spender or reckless with my sexuality or criminal activity and I don’t think I’m doing any physical activity that is dangerous. I don’t drink. I stopped drinking yerba mate drinks. I stopped micro-dosing with cannabis even though that really has been helpful in putting me in a more loving state rather than tense.
Racing thoughts, heart rate in speech patterns. Oh, I have definitely had this especially when I first wake up in the morning it seems like my mind is going so fast that I literally have to focus on slowing it down so that I can actually move forward in a great productive way otherwise I just shut down. It’s overwhelming. Gratitude usually helps with this, same with meditation, same with reading, same with journaling.
Four Symptoms of a Bipolar Depressive Episode
Loss of interest in activities. Difficult to get out of bed in the morning, getting dressed, eating is difficult. Not working or caring for children.
Loss of energy/insomnia. An increased need for sleep with the decreased ability to sleep.
Feelings of worthlessness and guilt. Absolutely! I’ve got to pep talk myself out of it.
Extreme sadness, despair or overwhelm. I have felt all of the above but especially overwhelm.
Another article says that a manic episode looks like this….
little need for sleep
increased rate of speech (talking fast)
flight of ideas
getting easily distracted
an increased interest in goals or activities
psychomotor agitation (pacing, hand wringing, etc.)
increased pursuit of activities with a high risk of danger
and a depressive episode looks like this….
changes in appetite or weight, sleep, or psychomotor activity
feelings of worthlessness or guilt
trouble thinking, concentrating or making decisions
thoughts of death or suicidal plans or attempts
Wait… bipolar includes moodiness? Shit! I am a woman. I get PMS. I definitely get moody and edgy. Running hot and cold is bipolar? WHAT?!? I am starting to wonder, maybe I am bipolar because sometimes I do feel depressed, unfocused, stuck, sad. And other times I feel on top of the world.
Hmm… extreme sad with intense highs? Yeah, I’ve had that. Oh no…. I think I might be bipolar.
Wait… frenetic vs productive energy? Hmm. I’m confused. I do have times when I experience healthy bursts of productivity fortunate episodes of inspiration.
Taking a deep sigh… this might explain a lot about why I don’t follow through on projects why I don’t stay consistent with my habits, stay in the same relationships, or stay with the same company. How can I go my whole life and not know this? I feel so ignorant.
Consequences and impact on life
Losing out on things that I enjoy, missing time with my family, struggling with my social life, struggling with work and school, struggling with healthy habits and maintaining a tidy home. I can see how this has affected my self-esteem, consistency, stability, growth in life, relationships, finances, health, home environment, and energy. I definitely at times distrust myself, and others and have PTSD from childhood trauma. I literally need to journal and meditate to get through it. If I can’t get into a peaceful loving state, then I micro dose with cannabis, not to get stoned or high, but just enough to where my mind stops racing and I can actually get back into the present moment. I am not interested in getting high. I just want to be in an elevated emotional state and most times a very small amount of cannabis has helped me when I can’t seem to get there on my own.
Back to research…
I found an online quiz. The results say I scored mild bipolar or cyclothymic disorder. What is that?
Cyclothymic disorder involves changes in mood and shifts similar to bipolar I and II, but the shifts are often less dramatic in nature. A person with cyclothymic disorder can often function normally without medication, though it may be hard. Cyclothymia is characterized by fluctuating low-level depressive symptoms along with periods of mild mania (hypomania). People with the disease often appear to function normally, although they may seem “moody” or “difficult” to others. People will often not seek treatment because the mood swings do not seem severe. People with cyclothymia may occasionally even be hyper-productive.
People with cyclothymia usually experience many weeks of low-level depression followed by an episode of mild mania that lasts several days.
Depressive symptoms of cyclothymia may include:
insomnia or hypersomnia (sleeping too much)
changes in appetite
weight loss or gain
fatigue or low energy
low sexual desire and function
feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or guilt
inattentiveness, lack of concentration, or forgetfulness
unexplained physical symptoms
The manic symptoms of cyclothymia may include:
extremely high self-esteem
excessive talking or speaking very quickly, sometimes so fast others have trouble following what the person is saying
racing thoughts (muddled and disorganized)
lack of focus
restlessness and hyperactivity
going for days with little or no sleep (without feeling tired)
reckless or impulsive behavior
Some of this sounds familiar. I think it’s time to bring this up to my next session with my cognitive behavioral therapist. Maybe she can help me get clear on what is going on with my mental health. I’ll see if she will test me for bipolar and cyclothymia.
In the meantime, I have some good news. I saw that a major component to treating mental illness is lifestyle intervention. Specifically implementing habits such as counseling, stress management, not smoking or drinking, good nutrition, plenty of physical activity, sunshine, fresh air, inspiration, and beliefs. As a holistic health practitioner, I can only imagine where I’d be in my life if had I not done all of these over the past 20 years. I had no idea that my profession was literally me saving myself from going down the same path that my family has, but it looks like there is more to go.
I am going to make sure I take my B vitamins, magnesium, and CBD oil. I’ll also get a natural supplement for mood stability and I am going to start tracking my moods as well.
My New Years Goals for 2021 are to HEAL. More specifically I am focusing on
Fulfilling my needs – start paying attention to what I actually need in the present moment and check-in throughout the day
Create stability and consistency in moods and habits with health, wealth, relationships
Alright… looks like I’m on quite the journey to mental wellness. More to come next week. I’ll let you know what happens next after working with my therapist.
One year ago I sat down for the first time with a cognitive behavioral therapist. After taking a history of my life she said to me, “ it’s clear to me that you have learned to deny and neglect your own needs.”
I was completely confused. “I know my needs: food, shelter, clothing, water. The basics, right?” Those were the needs I was told growing up.
“Not exactly. We’ll talk about that in our next session. Lori, getting therapy is going to be the best gift you give yourself this year”
I thanked her and left, but my mind kept trying to figure out exactly what she meant by my needs. What could they be?
I went home and googled it since I was really unsure. After all, I see so much on social media about self-care/love. Am I missing something?
I had the idea, “Maybe it has something to do with figuring out why we are acting like crying babies.” I grew up being taught not to respond to a baby’s cry otherwise you will spoil them and that a baby needs to learn how to self-soothe. Clearly, that was poor information. Perhaps this is where I first learned to deny/ignore my own needs.
Instead of ignoring the cries, figure out why the baby is crying. play the art of elimination game. Is the baby… aka…are YOU…. 🙂 🙂
hungry or thirsty
fed too much so gassy and bloated – digestive discomfort
consumed foods that create digestive upset- gas, bloat, constipation
tired and need a nap
need to go to the bathroom, need a diaper change
need a bath
Uncomfortable clothing/shoes – hot or cold, scratchy fabric, non-breathable, tight, leaving red marks, uncomfortable
need a change of environment – get outside in the fresh air and sunshine
need to move, stretch, burn off energy
need comforting connection: cuddles, soothing sounds, rocking, touch, skin to skin contact
in pain, rashes, sores, infections, aches or injuries, sick, fever, congested, swollen areas/inflammation
Then I researched “deny my own needs” and found articles stating that it means putting the needs of others before my own goals and dreams or people-pleasing. My initial response was, “Well, of course, I’ve been a mother for so long. Isn’t that somewhat normal?”Not exactly.
I remember telling a friend about a situation where I accommodated the needs of a romantic partner that I was struggling with and the relationship was on and off. I thought she would congratulate me on my kind efforts towards him and instead, she replied, “That’s great that you tended to his needs Lori, but what about yours? Did you even consider your own?” I was baffled and confused. I didn’t even know what I wanted or needed. Clearly, I was out of touch and although the crying baby analogy was a good one, there was more.
In one of the articles I read, it said if you are out of touch with your own needs that you can ask your body, take an inventory of your environment and mental state, and then lastly ask those who are closest to you what they think that you need. The last one I was most resistant to, but I admit that it seems that what might be the most important need is blind to us and yet so obvious to others who love us.
BODY: Ask your body what it needs (much like the crying baby analogy) How do I feel? An adrenaline rush, overheated, hungry, cold, thirsty, etc.? I asked myself questions from the baby crying list above.
SENSES/ENVIRONMENT: Sensate Focusing: Do I or does my environment: smell good, taste good, look good, feel good, sound good? Declutter, clean, organize, beautify, comfort
MIND: silence, declutter, clarity, dreams, intentions, focus, act on those habits, meditation, journaling to flush chaos and negativity out
OTHERS: Ask others what they think you need
LIST OF NEEDS: The Center for Nonviolent Communication “needs inventory” list and it blew my mind. Apparently, I had many unmet needs. I wrote down my list from the inventory and felt overwhelmed by how many were unfulfilled. It made complete sense that it correlated to the list of feelings that would be expressed if the needs weren’t met. I was able to reflect on where I was in my life and what I was doing when I felt the most vibrant and alive. It was clear that my needs were being met.
There is an exercise that states when you aren’t feeling good to look at the list of needs and write down any of the needs that are currently unmet and to tend to them. Now that I am aware of this, my intention is to dedicate the next year to fulfilling my needs so that I am a happier and healthier human on the planet.
Let’s see how this all goes…. I have the feeling it’s going to be pretty amazing.
If any of this resonates with you, feel free to comment below and share your story. Sending you lots of love… see you next week!
This video below is showing a woman ask the inmates to step forward if they answered YES to any of the 10 ACEs Questions. You see the correlation of that quiz with criminal behavior. As you know, I answered YES to ALL 10 Questions. This was the path my life was on. At 15 I was arrested for the first time and taken to Juvenile Hall. At 18 I was arrested again and taken to jail. At 19 I became pregnant and the fear of repeating the abuse that I was subjected to to my unborn child made me passionate about transforming my life so that my son would not have to live what I did. It’s been a VERY long journey to heal and I am still on it.
2020 affected people all over the entire planet whether positively or negatively or perhaps a combination of the two, but we are now embarking on a new year and it’s time to shed what is no longer serving us so that we may move forward and enjoy a beautiful new year with nothing holding us back.
We have the tendency to accumulate whether it be physical belongings in our homes, unresolved negative experiences and emotions, excess body fat and toxicity, negative unintentional thoughts and conversations, poor habits of relating, living in the past, old dreams that we are holding onto, and unhealed past experiences. Or perhaps, we are in the future missing out on the present moment. If we aren’t mindful of letting it go we can find that all aspects of waste can accumulate without us even realizing it. Basically, we feel, think, act, look, and live like crap. And what is crap? Waste that is no longer serving us.
Sadly, that can leave us feeling stuck, depleted, burdened, and negative. We hold back from loving and living our dreams fully. When we take the time to intentionally let it all go what we feel, think, act, look, and live like is pure joy. Love, ease, gratitude, fulfillment, meaning are buried underneath it all.
I am personally challenging myself to invest the next 4 weeks wisely by cleaning the slate and I want to inspire you to join me. We deserve to experience the fullness of life without regrets or excess baggage weighing us down.
This challenge begins at the new moon in January which is today and it ends at the Lunar New Year which this year is February 12th.
I am cleaning the slate in 5 categories of my life but the options are unlimited. Feel free to customize this challenge to your specific needs.
Body – there are countless ways that you can do this, from how you eat and drink, move your body, sweat it out, and so forth. I will be doing a combination of fasting and plant-based foods. You can fast like the Master Cleanse or juice, do a green smoothie cleanse, eat only raw foods, eat plants cooked or raw, or any other variation that feels good to you at this time based on your own needs. Maybe you add healing herbs or simply stop eating when the sun goes down and fast for 12-16 hours from dinner to breakfast every day. The options are limitless. Use your intuition and gut instincts and follow the path that lights you up. It can be a blend that you customize for yourself.
Environment – our homes are our own personal wellness sanctuaries. It is the place that we heal, rest, rejuvenate, and relax before going back out into the world. It is our safe haven. However, it can easily become cluttered whether with old papers, books, music, movies, and other media. It can be filled with old clothing, toiletries, makeup, accessories that we no longer use or love. Maybe you have a pantry filled with expired food and ingredients. Perhaps you have momentos and photos stuffed in a box somewhere that you have been meaning to go through. Take this time to go through your home and let go of items that 1. you have not used in the past year. Donate it to someone who can use it now 2. Do not spark joy, but perhaps have negative emotions attached to them. Look through your home and if it doesn’t light up your face with a smile, consider letting it go. Keep only the items that have a loving memory for you. You may be inspired by minimalism or perhaps Marie Kondo’s method. I personally love those two combinations along with green, non-toxic cleaning. Consider sage to cleanse the energy in your home as well.
Energy – our thoughts and our emotions are things. We emit them with our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, the words we use, and the actions we take. My favorite forms of cleaning my energy are through talk therapy, meditation, vipassana (silence), I’ll never forget the saying, “Wise people speak because they have something to say, foolish people, speak just to say something.” Taking the time to be silent, simply listen, observe can help you be more selective and intentional with the words that you speak. Consider the media that you listen to as well, the news, the lyrics to songs, the things you read, the conversations you have, and so forth. Transformational breath. I have used many many methods over the past 20 years and my favorite is the work of Dr. Emoto and the book Power vs Force specifically reading the levels of consciousness and allowing myself to raise my energy. Gratitude journaling has also been a daily habit for about 15 years.
Relationships – We have all heard the saying that we are a combination of the 5 people that we spend most of our time with. When I heard this, I really reflected on the quality of my relationships. I actually stopped spending time with 90% of the people I was around. At times I was lonely, but I filled the time listening to the 5 people I wanted to be most like from their audiobooks, podcasts, talks, workshops, and so forth. At the time it was people like Wayne Dyer, Jerry, and Esther Hicks, Tony Robbins, Oprah, and of course the great ones like Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, the Dalai Lama. They were people who wanted to inspire people, to uplift them, to be contributors to the goodness in the world, to help improve the quality of life. I wanted to be like them. However, I also adopted healing my valuable relationships with forgiveness with Ho’oponopono, The Work by Byron Katie, the story of the Babemba Tribe by the Peace Pilgrim told by Wayne Dyer. There are again unlimited ways to heal your relationships or simply to let them go temporarily or permanently. My belief is that if you only have love, respect, appreciation, and gratitude for them then you have healed your relationships. If there is any negativity, take this time to clean it up. Often it comes from a shift in our perspective. When you can say this wholeheartedly you have fully healed your relationships. “ I leave you free to be yourself, think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, and behave in ways that you decide are to your liking. Do anything you need or want to do. Be however you need to be and I will selectively sift the specific components of you that resonate with me and I will practice them until it becomes my proclivity. It really isn’t any of my business what you do. It is my business to find things in you that please me. For what I do not like in you, is only pointing out the unclean aspect of myself. Ultimately, It’s up to me to rise up and become that which I am admiring in you and to let go within myself of that which I don’t. “
Dreams/Vision – Perhaps you have old dreams that were never fulfilled and you are holding onto the past feeling regret. I want to inspire you to let go of who you once were and dream a new dream for yourself. Maybe just for the year, or possibly even your life. I love how Stephen Covey has you reverse engineer your life by saying, “Begin with the End in Mind” meaning that imagine what you want to be said about you at your funeral and then start to live that way now. Maybe you don’t know where to begin. I love Michael Beckwith’s Life Visioning Process. It’s simple and can help you clear out all the old stuff and get clarity on who you want to be and how you want to live. It helps you remember what you are wanting to express in this lifetime. Dream a new and more refined dream for yourself.
Of course, there are more aspects to life than this, such as work and finances, but I find that shows up secondary to the clarity of the dream and vision you have for your life. I am setting out 4 weeks to complete this challenge, but you can make it as long or as short as you want. When I first did this challenge 14 years ago it took me about 3-6 months. Nowadays I spend one weekend a month at the new moon during my cleanse to go through all of the things I have listed above. It no longer takes me much time at all and if you make this a regular habit it will be the same for you.