So, now that I had a clear slate, it was time to fill up my life with the things that positively contributed to my well being. It’s funny what you experience when you break down years of conditioning. I felt alive, on purpose and in love with life. The more I did what I said I would do, the more my self empowerment grew.
The Shift in My Thoughts I felt inspired to write. I have always been a person who journals, but I felt an even stronger desire to write. It brought a sense of clarity. I found that I would often soothe my own concerns just by writing them down. I wrote about my new thoughts and my new direction in life. I felt that the world was mine to explore and anything was possible. I had many insightful experiences and I kept a notebook next to my bed to jot down what I felt compelled to write. I wrote so much that I filled several binders. To this day I wonder if I will ever publish them.
The Shift in My Awareness I have a book called Power Vs Force. Before, I would never really be able to FEEL the highest levels of consciousness. I could read the description, but there was no connection with it. Then during one of my days in solitude I read the levels from lowest to highest. It took me through each emotion and when I read the enlightenment description I was swelling, I felt like I was going to burst. Tears of euphoria were streaming down my face and the closest description I can give that I felt at that time was like a drawn out orgasm.
The Shift in My Perception I became very sensual. Life slowed down. I noticed everything! I utilized my senses and observed the weather, the plants, the smells, the feel of various textures, beautiful music and images. I remember feeling so lucky to be alive.
The Shift in my Diet I experienced phases of fasting that went on over a period of 4-6 months. It was almost automatic, I didn’t think about it. If the inspiration to do something arose, I did it immediately. My thought never entered the process. Purification felt effortless and a pleasure. I envisioned my body dumping any past baggage. I drank tons of herbal tea. Hydration was my focus. I wanted to keep my liver clean so my teas were mainly milk thistle and dandelion, as well as blends of herbs for detoxification. I made sure I was eliminating too so I drank salt water in the morning or I took an herbal laxative before bed. Looking back, I realize I drank about 2 gallons of liquid a day. I suppose that is why I was able to drop from weighing 119 to 108 in no time.
When I did eat, I consumed mostly fruits and veggies, some steamed and some raw. I was still eating a whole food diet versus vegetarian or anything like that in the beginning. My meals were large plates of veggies or a snack of a green drink and trail mix. When I ate I set the timer for 20 minutes and made sure I stretched out my meal to last that long. I became a very good eater. I chewed until the food was liquid. I looked closely at every bite, swirled the food in my mouth to feel the texture and taste the flavors of the food. I did everything I could to slow down my eating. I ate to remove hunger rather than to feel full. I reminded myself that my stomach was only the size of my fist and there was no need to stretch it out. I engaged in proper table etiquette and conversation with my children. I became an immaculate eater.
The Shift in My Sleep During the times of extended fasting or very light eating I noticed that my sleep shifted to rest. I found that I was drawn to sleep under the moon and stars. Since I wasn’t wanting to sleep outside in my backyard, I would open the blinds to my French doors of my bedroom and let the moonlight fill my room. I would gaze at the stars before falling asleep after purging all my gratitude in my journal. I would close my eyes. I then felt like my body was heavy and still like it was totally asleep, but I felt totally alert. I could see myself from above looking down on my body. It was almost as if I was watching myself sleep. I was totally aware of all that was going on around me. It was as if my subconscious was being a security guard for me. I no longer wanted to sleep on my side. I wanted my chest to be facing the sky. I just felt like my heart needed to face up. I slept very little, maybe 3 hours a night. This went on for months. My body felt totally rested even though before I slept about 9 hours a night. My rest changed back to sleep when my diet changed and I began to consume more calories.
I practiced full resting at least one day a week. I used this time to reflect on my week. I understood that doing less was more. No need in spinning my wheels without a direction. I wouldn’t speak to anyone nor would I do anything very active.
The Shift in My Workouts I took up an intense and regular power yoga practice. I attended Bryan Kest’s 2 hour long power yoga class every Sunday. It was my “church”. Since it was a drive for me, I would listen to inspirational books or seminars on CD. I thrived on the energy of the class. Sometimes, I would experience such gratitude in relaxation pose that I would be brought to tears. It was euphoria. I was caught off guard, but it felt beautiful. I learned about meditation, affirmations, mantras, and the pleasure of silence. This was heaven for me because I finally was learning how to break the addiction of thoughts and just be at peace.
Physical Touch I also became diligent about receiving regular weekly massage. It filled that touch void that I was so addicted to in a romantic relationship. I have always been very physical my entire life, whether it was through gymnastics or other sports or through romantic encounters. So, being without a man for the first time in a long time was a huge shift. I swear receiving massages alone kept be from jumping into the sack with a man out of need for touch. I would get goosebumps every massage. I knew it was filling that need for me. I also found that I felt amazing after petting my cat or dog or cuddling with my kids more during bedtime stories. I learned I can enjoy touch without the sexual energy behind it. I hugged my friends more too.
The Shift in Relationships I started treating myself the way I expected a man to treat me. I dated myself! If I wanted to do something, I did it alone. It was awkward at first to go to a movie or a restaurant alone, but after a while it felt amazing. I no longer needed someone to do nice things for me. I could do them for myself. That was transformational because in the past if a man didn’t do them for me I went without. I enjoyed conversations with men, but I was sure to leave it at that. I didn’t want to be co-dependent or jump in the bed with anyone too soon, so I kept the sexual aspect out of it. Plus, I wasn’t fully healed from the break up of my ex. I don’t think he was either, because we continued to interact for over 7 months after our break up. It was a time for us to mend our wounds with each other so we could move on and have more to offer to our future partners.
I started treating everyone I encountered the same. In Santa Monica there would be lots of homeless people. I would smile at them and I felt like I could see into their soul.I saw through the exterior. I felt like I connected so deeply in a non verbal way. I noticed I no longer felt fearful of people or danger. I would speak kindly to everyone and treat them as though I was speaking to someone I held in high regard. I felt like treating people like royalty. I became a very generous person. I became very trusting and compassionate.
I woulds say over and over, ” I am the highlight of someone else’s day”. I would be sure to dazzle others with kindness and generosity. I made it a point to be pleasant to every person I encountered, even if it was just a smile.
Once I cleared my life out I found plenty of free time to invest in myself. I mentioned in the video I listened to several books on CD while I was cleaning out my house or getting ready to see clients, on my drives to yoga class, and so forth.
I didn’t have anyone in person to guide me so I used these materials to keep me going in a direction that was more positive.
I began to take responsibility for my life and where I was. I affirmed to myself that I was brave, bold and adventuresome. I was determined to make a U turn in the direction of my life and get back on track with where I saw myself. I knew I had potential. It was a matter of discovering it.
I realized everything was a reflection of me. If it was in my life and I didn’t like it, then it needed to go. It was time to rise from the ashes and make something for myself. But first I needed to CLEAN HOUSE and get everything out of my life so that I had room to fill up on the good stuff.
I went through every nook and cranny of my materialistic belongings. My clothes, makeup, toiletries, pantry, collection of books, DVDs, CDs , etc. I scoured my home while I scoured my body.
I began fasting. I just felt like cleaning the garbage out of my body too. I made sure my liver and colon were pristine. Then once all the food was out of my house. I decided I deserved the best. I no longer wanted to eat anything from a can or box. Processed and packaged food wasn’t fit for this body. The more I saw my body emulate the ideal version of me the more excited I was about nourishing it properly.
I even cleaned up the way I spoke. I honored the absent and spoke as though the person I was talking about was standing right next to me. I wouldn’t allow myself to speak poorly of anyone. I refrained from swearing and using words that were not worthy of the highest.
I stopped lying. I realized that if I felt I had to lie that I was doing things that I didn’t like. I also knew that lying was not accepting myself and it was only a reflection of that. This included little white lies. Besides, I didn’t want to attract liars in my life and I would ifI lied myself.
I detoxed all of my beliefs. I no longer accepted anything that I had been taught from religion, to limitations, to rules. I felt that I no longer was limited by time, energy, space or matter. There were no rules. I took on the attitude suggested by Wayne Dyer, ” Nobody knows enough to be a pessimist”.
I ditched my negative complaining about myself and others. I also stopped allowing others to dump their dis empowered drama on me. I didn’t want to hear how they were victims in their life. I didn’t want to listen to it. I straight out said, ” Don’t you have better things going on in your life to talk about this?” I told them that this was the last bitch session and to start talking about all the things that were going right for them. I was only allowing them to attract more crap into their life by listening to it.
I started putting more attention into my appearance. I acted as though I needed to be prepared for meeting people I wanted in my life. If I looked a mess, it just reflected that I was a mess inside. Same for my home. I kept it immaculate, as though if someone I highly admired was to knock at my door at any given moment. It was about being prepared for good to come.
Inspired by Share Your Shame by Steve Pavlina and our chat during our recent visit . This is also inspired by Peas on Earth by Bunny Berry. I decided if I am participating in Peas on Earth, I should include making peas or Peace with my past.
So, call this what you will. It felt like a confessional video and after I uploaded it I felt a comforting sense of calm. It’s a sense of not caring what others think, but being open and true to what I have lived to get to where I am today. I admit my past has been quite colorful, but it is only making my journey through life so much sweeter.
Like me or not, this is a part of what made me who I am. I love where I have been but even more where I am going.
Day 28 Home school, Gymnastics, Shopping and Library Watched “What Happens in Vegas” I am waking up later and staying up late…I don’t like it except for the peace and quiet
Diet: 3 qts H2O 32 oz green juice: arugula & spinach stems, jalapeño, 2 cloves of garlic, cucumber, celery, 2 nectarines 2 nectarines Bowlful of yummy cherry tomatoes Banana Corn Salad (still leftovers) Banana topped w/ almond butter, cacao nibs, walnuts & pinch of salt & agave Exercise 70 minute Power yoga (did Beryl Bender Birch again cuz the kids like this video). This time I was able to do more of the binding poses than last week. I also did all the back bends, handstands, headstands and shoulder stands with ease. After a month I am seeing a bit of an improvement.
30 minute walk 25 min Sauna Got my Sun On
Day 29 Highlights: Realized that tomorrow marks a 30 day challenge: SuperCharge Me. Time has flown! Entering Phase 2 on Day 31 Downloaded Bryan Kests new video & audio: awesome! Kids gymnastics
Diet: 2 big glasses of water for breakfast First solid meal @ 3pm : ½ tomato w/ ½ avocado w/ a light sprinkle of salt 3 tiny pluots 2 bananas w/ almond butter, agave, cacao nibs & sprinkle of salt (this has become a little habit) 32 oz of green juice (lettuce, bell pepper, cucumber, chives, jalapeño, garlic): WHOA SPICY! 2 cups of pico de gallo/salsa ( this was at a restaurant and I felt yucky afterward, maybe they used preservatives or something)
Exercise: 2 hour Power yoga class w/ Bryan Kest 1 hour walk around the duck pond 25 minutes in the sauna Colonic
Day 30: SuperCharge Me! Challenge I did it!
Ran into a kind man at the market, chatted over an hour!
Diet: 32 oz green juice (lettuce, bell pepper, jalapeño, cucumber, tomato) 2 amazing heirloom tomatoes with 1 avocado, salt and red pepper flakes 2 banana strawberry kabobs w/ chocolate sauce & walnuts 1 heirloom tomato w/ ½ avocado
Exercise: 40 min yoga (back bends)…My back is so sore after doing it. I am not sure if this is a stiff and rigid problem or a sign that this is not safe for me. I want to work through it, but I am feeling plenty of LBP today. YUCK. Sun
Day 31: Hair appointment Very emotional
Diet: Cashews Chinese Fried Rice Sesame Dumplings
Workout: 45 minute walk 25 minutes in the sauna Colonic Sun
Day 32 Went in LA: Learning the ropes of the IEOPBC Volunteered at the co-op Mormon missionaries… I shared my views on religion, spirituality and being a living example! Sergei & Valya Boutenko speak at Raw food meetup Took in left over scraps: need to post video on raw spaghetti & meatballs since it seems to be a hit! Stepped off raw to see my response: bloated, DRUNK feeling,
Diet: All raw minus the burrito Pluot Apple Larabar Chinese fried rice Samples of dumplings made into lettuce wraps, spaghetti & meatballs, peach & nectarine crumble, coleslaw, co-op salad Raw Vegan Lemon cheesecake Burrito: bean, rice, guac, salsa
Exercise: My off day Volunteer at co-op 45 min walk around the park Colonic
Day 33 90 day positive video challenge…raise the vibrations Touched by friends from new community: Alexis and Starla Pedicure Sauna 35 minutes
Diet: 100% Fruit Day (not intentional) 1 ½ Qts H2O A baggie of cherry tomatoes Pineapple Banana w/ choco sauce and walnuts Raspberries Pineapple Strawberries w/ choco sauce Tomato w/ avocado, sea salt, and red pepper flakes
Day 34 Sprouting fall garden seeds Homeschool Evaluate my sad little garden
Diet: 3 qts H20 Strawberries w/ choco sauce Heirloom tomato w/ ½ avocado w/ red pepper flakes & celtic sea salt Alfalfa sprouts w/ cherry tomatoes, hemp seed oil, cayenne, and sea salt Handful of walnuts w/ raw honey Cherry tomatoes 32 oz green veggie juice
Exercise: 20 min treadmill 10 min rowing machine Abs 20 min sauna