I had no idea that THIS would be the video I posted on Valentines Day. However, perhaps there are people today thinking about their relationships and love life and are feeling a bit depleted.
Many of you have noticed I have not posted a video or blog in some time and have expressed concern and wanted to know what I have been up to. First of all, I would like to thank you for coming to my blog and taking an interest in me and my video or blog posts. My blog started as an online journal for myself, then evolved into a way I can share my perspective, thoughts, and inspiration. Thank you for being a part of that.
My Online Absence
Although I absolutely love and adore the Internet and all the wonderful people I have connected with, I found that gradually I was spending more time online and less time being present in my physical environment and the relationships right in front of me. I enjoyed all the feedback on Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, and here on my blog. I felt like I needed to respond to everyone and I just couldn’t keep up with all that and manage my physical life. I became very behind in corresponding to comments, emails, messages, and questions. The more behind I became the more of a burden my online presence became for me. It shifted from fun and exciting to an obligation. Needless to say, this is hardly an “inspired” state.
An Internal Struggle
In addition to taking a break from blogging, I had to take a break from romance and dating. I had the pleasure of dating men however, it seemed things moved faster and more intense than I was wanting so instead of slowing things down I went MIA. I struggle with the idea of romance and where that fits in my life. I had to do some soul searching and really figure things out before I stepped back out in the social world.
This is an area that directly relates to my internal state. In the beginning of the year I was clocking in about 60 hours of exercise a month & eating very high raw. However, when I freaked out and went MIA with dating I dropped down to a very minimal amount of exercise and kept eating the same amount if not MORE food. NOT A GOOD IDEA! Weight crept back on and I felt ashamed of myself. However I felt I was justified going MIA because I was beginning to look bloated and feeling uncomfortable being social. However, we are far more transparent than we think we are and situations like this just show me that I was experiencing an internal struggle. I have found through food a way to dampen the rawness of emotions I was experiencing.
I love romance and I am a sucker for a beautiful love story. However, when it comes my way I really haven’t mastered that aspect of my life. It seems when I crave romance the options and opportunities flow into my life, yet when it becomes so serious so quick I tend to get cold feet and back off. I have a few ideas that could be the source:
Overall, I am content being single. I no longer have the idea that I have to be married or be in a romantic relationship to be complete. However at times I do crave the experience(or it could be hormones). I just want it to happen more slowly and balanced rather than a big surge that happens too fast. I don’t feel a need to hurry or put a label on it, and when I date someone who seems to come on quick I tend to run and hide. To me it appeared a bit desperate and co-dependant….which is what I used to be and I am afraid of being that again.
With that in mind, I came to the conclusion that I was being given the opportunity to see if I had overcome some of my past relationship bad habits. I used to be the girl that fell head over heels fast. I overly romanticized the person and the experience and lived in a fantasy in my head. I wasn’t present and had expectations.
Another factor that presented itself was how it affected my relationship with my kids. When I was a teen and my newly divorced parents started dating I felt like I was second rate, competing for their affection and time. From my view, my parents were more interested in romance than being a parent. I had some resentments and I lashed out towards my parents and their romantic interests. I felt my teen years went from being “normal” to being a stay at home mom for my younger brothers while I saw my parents out dating. I carry that memory today. Perhaps I am hyper-sensitive to my children and would never want them to feel like I preferred the company of a man over theirs. At the same time, I realize that this may just be my own limiting belief that romance would pull me away from my kids. I just never wanted my kids to feel second rate. In conversations with my kids, they have expressed that they are happy with the idea of me dating and would enjoy meeting the people I bring into my life. It just seemed to be a fear that I would get too wrapped up in my romance that I compromised my relationship with my kids as well as other aspects of my life.
With all that in mind I went off the dating scene and started spending more time with my children (which inspired my blog in May “10 Wise Lessons for my Children”). Being a mother is a priority and a pleasure and I know my time with them is precious. They are growing up so fast. I want to make the most of it. So, we went camping in Yosemite and Idyllwild. We have been spending so much time outdoors, at the beach, hiking, biking, swimming and playing.
Alex is training for football, which I think is NUTS, because of his frame and body type. I really feel his strengths are with speed and agility. However, I must step aside and let my son make decisions for himself. We both feel that this may very well be his last opportunity to play this sport on a team. We plan to make the most of it and perhaps move on to soccer or baseball when the season ends.
At the same time, Mehgan is in cheer leading. It makes life so much easier having practices and games at the same location and time as football. Although Meg prefers to be in independent activities I encouraged her to give this sport a shot. This also plays up her gymnastics background as well as learning to work on a team. I felt it was a nice transition while building new friendships since many of her friends moved this summer. Meg also had the opportunity to model for Anchor Blue in a Back to School Fashion Show at a local mall. She loved it and it’s right up her alley since she says she wants to create her own fashion line and model it herself one day.
I also made the decision with my kids that this was the last year of homeschooling for us. My son is starting high school and the kids were expressing a desire to do something different. Alex and Mehgan are now enrolled to attend a charter school and we all look forward to the new experience. I am so thankful that I took the past 3 years with my kids and home schooled them. I really felt the experience allowed us to grow together in a common direction. Our bond is so close and I will forever cherish the memories we had. My family life wouldn’t be what it is today if we didn’t take that time.
I didn’t put alot of effort into gardening or any home improvements. However, scattered seeds sprouted up on their own and I have been enjoying the ease of letting the plants do their thing rather than babying them. I also just became curious and would stick things in the ground just to see how they grew for example a sprouting potato or onion. I have been more of an observer of plant cycles than anything else. I do love gardens, but if I continue with growing an edible landscape I seriously need a landscape designer that could help me make it look more aesthetic.
Obviously, once the kids start school that opens up time for me to recommit to an online presence and contribute more to the community. I enjoy sharing my journey. I enjoy having a voice. I enjoy feeling inspired and on purpose.
Overall, I feel I have been looking to balance my life. I went up and I went down and now I am leveling out. I may have over compensated in some ways, but I really am just relaxing with where I am now and I am making sure I get a little taste of everything rather than bingeing on one thing. I am happy to say I feel that I am getting back on track.
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Do you find yourself interacting in fake or pretentious ways?
Do you lie to others?
Do you find yourself being highly criticized and judged?
Are you wrapped up in how others perceive you?
If a camera was running on you 24/7 would you be terrified by what others witnessed in your life?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you are living in your own private hell. A place of emotional baggage, filled with lies, fear, paranoia, and so forth. One way to gain some insight is to play the mirror game. Meaning what you accuse others of you are guilty of yourself.
Are you judgmental of others?
Judgmental people are afraid of being judged themselves so they deflect the attention off themselves by trying to project it onto others.
Do you have expectations for others to live up to?
People don’t let us down, we let ourselves down when we handed our power to something outside of ourselves.
We create our own private hell and we are the only ones who can get ourselves out of it. Stop deflecting, dig down into your own murkiness. Once you do, you realize even in your murkiness it is still OK. You are beautiful just as you are, even with body odor and bed head you are still loved and accepted. The true you transcends that, and by being comfortable with your “human-ness” (skankiness and all…LOL) you realize it doesn’t take away your value. After all, once you embrace who you really are all the murkiness begins to fall away. Stop giving power to the social paradigm that you are not living up to. No one really does anyway. Take your power back, take responsibility for who you are.
See Your Value
Those layers of thoughts & habits are not who we really are and as we let them go we can shine. We are all divine sparks of God. We are here to do good and how can we shine when we are always hiding? We have a calling to greatness and our spirit is so big that we cannot be held down with such trivial baggage. As we become loving and accepting people, we become a magnet for more love. Imagine living freely, doing exactly what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it, free of guilt. Imagine that no one would criticize you or judge you. Nothing you could do or say would cause anyone to flee from your life. If you knew no matter what you would be loved, you would be honest. You would feel safe.
There is no need to stress and become uptight, for once we do the mind and body become so tense that we cannot transmit data from the divine and we are literally squeezing the magic out of our experience. RELAX and see the real you. Let go and just be free. Let yourself out of the prison you have been confining yourself to.
Be the Example
If you want openness and honesty from others, you must be that yourself. Once others feel safety in your openness their walls will go down too. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Be free, be liberated. Do not look to others to change first, it starts with you. Do not tell others how to be, be an example of what you know to be true and people will flock to you for your insight and guidance. Give them the freedom to be themselves.
As Marianne Williamson said so beautifully,” As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.” The best way to give back to others is to allow them to be who they are, just how they are. Love them anyway. When you are free, others will be freed in your presence. People will open and share details with you because they know there will be no judgment. None of the silly stuff matters anyway, I remember this quote, “Forever trust in who we are, and nothing else matters”. Who knew a little Metallica could be so profound? This song has been running through my head. These lyrics are the real deal. Enjoy!
Share Your Journey
Let your skeletons out of your closet. I did over a year ago when I posted a video called Skeletons in My Closet. I remember being scared to post it. I had no idea what would come of it. Surprisingly, I was greeted with support and compassion. People resonated with my pain and soon the fears and insecurities that once held me down liberated me. I am so thankful I had the courage to do it. It is my desire to be free. As I let go of my silly trivial human-ness may it inspire you to do the same. I wrote out my human-ness in the blog Walking Into Knowingness. It is time to admit, “This is me now, and it is OK. I have a heart of gold and I am working on becoming a better version of myself.” It is my dream that by sharing my life publicly that it liberates you to live your life more fully. As Gandhi said, “My life is my message.” Let your life be your message as well. Be the spark that you are and shine above all this nonsense. After all, if not you, then who? If not now, then when?